Stories from Under the Mattress
by Crimson Siyrean
Summary: One shots, drabbles, random crack, shameless pairings, and all things that have absolutely no business masquerading as literature. Ch 8: A True Friend: It's the wedding of the decade, so it must be perfect. But in a battle worn Konoha, where is left to hold it? Out of options, Kakashi decides to throw all in for the sake of his best friend's wedding. Kakashi/Tsume
1. KakaHina, Nothing to Hide

**Stories from Under the Mattress**

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Summary: I need a place to put all my mad idea's that just don't make the full story cut line. One shots, drabbles, random scenes, just the general craziness that goes on in my head. Like my other fics, it'll probably end up being mostly humorous crack parings.

A/N: This first one was written on a whim for the Kaka/Hina FC when talking about having fun with drunk Hinata

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**Nothing to Hide**

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Kakashi stood in the crowded pub, staring out over the young shinobi. Another chunin exam had come and gone and the last of the rookies had finally made the cut. They were all there, all celebrating loudly, and much to his personal amusment, all drunk. Perhaps he should be the responsible adult and stop some of their more, uh, creative idea's, Naruto and Kiba in particular seemed to be in the perpetual state of trying to see who could make the bigger jack ass of themselves. But in the end he supposed it was all good fun, and besides the Jounin planned to hold these memories and lord them over his cute little students for years to come.

It was then Kakashi felt the strange sensation of someone watching him. He scanned the crowd to see the young Hyuuga girl staring at him, wide eyed and unblinking. Kakashi raised a questioning eyebrow back at the girl, but she didn't look away. Instead, Hinata got up and teetered carefully over to where the Jounin was standing.

As Kakashi watched her drift his way, he couldn't help but smirk. _This should prove interesting, _he thought, watching her stumble slightly. Even she, the shyest of the shy, was drunk. Only good things could come of this.

"Ka-kakashi sensei," she greeted in a soft yet slurred voice.

"Good evening Hinata." He smiled down at her.

The girl's eyes squinted up at him. "You know I can see you."

The man stifled a laugh. "Very good, Hinata. I can see you too."

"No, I can _see_ you."

Kakashi lifted an eyebrow.

"W-why do you, why do you wear it?"

"I'm not sure I follow."

"Your mask," Hinata explained as though it were obvious. "You're very handsome you know."

At that the Jounin's eyes widened and then quickly checked to see if any others were paying attention to their conversation. "Um, well thank you. But you know, it's impolite to peek."

Hinata sighed. "I know. Neji gets mad at me when I do it. But it's kind of hard not to, everyone is just _right there_." The girl hiccuped then took another sip from her drink. "Your face isn't all I can see either."

Kakashi felt said face heat up as he began to wonder at his previous assessment of the girl.

"You really have nothing to be, to be shy about, you know."

"Uh, Hinata, I really don't think this is appro-"

"I mean I never understood why all the girls went crazy over Sasuke, because really-" Hinata paused to hold her fingers up, only slightly apart. "I think they'll be disappointed when they see the whole package. It's not very im-impressive."

Kakashi's mouth dropped.

"Oh look," the girl pointed as a goofy smile spread over her face. "There's Naruto." She took a sip from her drink. "Now that's a boy that has nothing to hide. Sort of like you." Another hiccup. "I certainly wouldn't mind tying him down to ride like a circus pony." She paused to look up and the now sweating and red faced man. "You'd do too, come to think of it."

Kakashi pulled a bit at his collar, feeling strangely constricted. "It's getting a bit hot in here, isn't it? I think I need a drink."

Hinata brow pinched slightly, looking down at her own half filled cup. "Here, you can have mine."

Kakashi quickly grabbed the cup from the girl and in one swift movement downed the contents before anyone could see his face.

Or so he thought.

The bright light of a flash temporarily blinded him and when his head snapped back, he saw Kiba and Naruto standing just to the side and grinning broadly.

"See, I told you she could do it," Kiba practically yelled.

"Hey, I never said she couldn't," Naruto replied. "I just said it wouldn't be easy."

The girl teetered slightly on her feet, looking between the boys and the Jounin scowling before them.

"Will someone tell me _what_ just happened?" Kakashi asked with just a hint of anger and maybe some relief.

Naruto practically danced on his feet, holding up a clunky contraption. "New Polaroid camera! In approximately 30 to 60 seconds we're going to see your face."

"I told you," Kiba cut in. "They never suspect the shy ones."

"Give me that," the Jounin said, taking a small step forward.

"No way, come on Kiba. We have a date with the photocopier." And with that, the two boys rushed off.

Kakashi was about to follow when a small tug at his sleeve stopped him. He turned to scowl down the pale eyed girl.

"It's alright," the girl said quietly. "It won't, it won't turn out."

"And how do you-"

"God damn it, Naruto!" It was then that Kiba's voice could be heard booming over the crowd. "How stupid can you be?"

"Hey! It's not my fault. How was I supposed to know the lens cap was on!"

"S-see," Hinata said shyly, her fingers idly playing with the fabric still in her grip.

Kakashi let out a sigh of relief, though he was still a little peeved at being taken advantage of. "That was still a dirty trick you pulled."

Hinata's brow pinched, dropping her hand. "What trick? I had no idea wha, what they were up to."

"Uh..."

She shrugged, eyeing her now empty cup with some concern. "So about that pony ride..."

It was then that Kakashi's eye started scanning for the bartender. He was definitely going to need another drink.

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_Reviews are much loved :)_


	2. Sensei'sStudents, A Sensei's Worst Fear

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A/N: Another really silly idea that just popped into my head that amused me to no end. No real pairing, just my cracky sense of humor.

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**A Sensei's Worst Fear**

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"Ah, there you are Kakashi!" Gai's voice boomed from the entrance of the bar. "We've been looking for you."

The man's eye drifted over from his slumped posture at the bar to see his rival giving his trademark good guy pose. Kakashi's eye squinted, watching the day light illuminated Gai as though he was some heavenly being, coming forth to guide he and his fellow early afternoon bar flies to the light. It was just not right.

A cough sounded just behind the man and Asuma and Kurenai stepped into view.

"You gave us a bit of a scare there when we saw you running," Asuma explained coming forward to take a seat to his left. Kakashi remained on his stool, shaking his head slightly.

"You seemed awfully shaken," Kurenai said as she took the remaining seat to Asuma's side and Gai flanked Kakashi on the other.

Again the grey haired man shook his head, looking down into the half drunk amber liquid he held in his hand. Asuma and Kurenai looked at each other with concern; this was far from the Jounin's typical behavior.

"Kakashi, what is it? What's happened?" Gai asked, no longer using his over exaggerated booming voice.

Kakashi could feel everyone tense around him. They were fearing the worst now, he could tell. Though he'd rank this right up there, he still in good conscious, could not allow them to worry in suspense. The man took a deep breath and sat up a bit. "It- it's Sakura…"

They stared intently, somewhat relieved he used _is_ instead of _was_.

"I don't understand it," the man continued on. "She was supposed to like Sasuke you see. Love or obsessed or whatever but it was always _him_. How did that change?"

The other Jounin all let out a breath they hadn't realised they'd been holding. Asuma was the first to speak. "Is that all? Kakashi you shouldn't worry us like that."

"You don't understand," he answered, continually shaking his head and looking far too pale. "She was supposed to like Sasuke. _Sasuke_, not- not... It just doesn't make any sense."

"Let me guess," Kurenai said with a smirk. She leaned into the bar so she could see him around the other Jounin. "You thought she still liked Sasuke but then found her and Naruto doing _something _you'd rather not have seen. Am I right?"

Gai and Asuma immediately flinched but Kakashi made no move.

"Ah, so the springtime of youth has finally caught up to your young students," Gai boomed, being the first one to recover. "Why, that is nothing to be troubled about. It is a natural and beautiful thing!"

Asuma grimaced, having rather not had that mental image implanted into his head.

"No," Kakashi replied gruffly. "No, it was much worse than that."

"I'm not sure that there can be a much worse than that," Asuma muttered quietly to himself.

It was then Kakashi turned to look him straight in the eye. "She tried to kiss me. _Sakura_ tried to kiss me."

The silenced followed the man's confession was deafening, then a moment later it was broken by Kurenai's sudden burst of laughter. Kakashi scowled at the woman as she doubled over, clutching her sides.

"Hey now, Kurenai," Asuma said, giving her a peculiar look. "This is serious."

Kurenai snorted, barely able to contain her mirth. "Serious? Are you kidding me?"

Gai patted Kakashi shoulder in what he hoped was a sympathetic gesture but for once the excitable Jounin was speechless.

"It's not funny," Kakashi replied miserably and then took another sip from his glass. "We were all sparing and I came upon her alone in the woods. And she… and then she… and she…"

There was little that could phase the infamous copy ninja, they all knew, but right now he looked like a man who'd just seen his first war.

"And what did you do?" Gai asked solemnly.

"The only sane thing I could think of," Kakashi answered. "Ran like hell, then started to drink. I figure if I keep at it, I'll discover this day never happened... or at least kill the section of the brain that thinks it has."

Asuma's eyes widened as the corner of him mouth twitched. "So you just left her there?"

The Jounin nodded, returning his eyes to his glass. "What else could I have done?"

Kurenai was shaking her head, disbelieving what she was hearing. "You men," she let out, still unable to keep a straight face. "A bunch of idiots, the lot of you. Scared of a teenage girl."

The man flinched. "You don't understand…"

"Oh please," she continued on. "What girl doesn't get a crush on her sensei at one point or another? It's just a phase, soon enough she'll realise you're just another old guy like the rest of us."

He couldn't help but scoff slightly.

"And what the hell were you doing, leaving her all alone like that? Instead of leaving her there, confused and humiliated, maybe you could have, I don't know, tried to let her down gently or somthing?"

Kakashi glared. "When faced with an unknown and highly dangerous threat, retreat and reassess is the best option. Just be grateful _you_ don't have to worry about such things."

She raised an eyebrow. "What, you think girls are the only ones to go through puberty? I've seen Kiba readjust his pants enough times after sparing with me to get the hint. I wouldn't be surprised if something like this happens to all of you." The Jounin all looked at her, vaguely horrified.

"I'm serious," she said, looking particularly smug. "Any one of you."

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_Later that week._

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Team Gai were sparing at their usual training ground. Lee had been chosen to go out with another team so it was Tenten and Neji verses Gai, getting the rare chance to face their sensei together, without the other boy taking all his attention.

Gai successfully avoided Tenten's volley of steel while keeping Neji at bay but missed the quick wink she gave to her teammate before she disappeared from sight. Neji didn't allow him the moment to consider what they were up to and moved in for another taijutsu blitz that pushed them both into the forest before disappearing as well.

Gai frowned, wondering what his students were up to. He felt no trace of their presence and began to search the forest, keeping his eye out for another of Tenten's volleys. It was then his foot hit something unnatural. His eyes widened in understanding. They'd maneuvered him into a trap.

Unable to move quickly enough, Gai found his feet kicked out from under him. He'd been expecting an attack from above, not Tenten from below.

Neji watched from the side, unable to keep the smirk from his face as Tenten successfully detonated the new capture jutsu she'd been working on. "You're all mine now, sensei," he heard her say triumphantly. "Pinned you."

Tenten grinned over her shoulder to where he was hiding, just in case Gai decided this didn't count as a successful defeat. Neji's eyes then flicked back to his sensei, trying to gage his reaction but what he saw wasn't what he expected at all. Usually when any of them actually managed to get one over on him, he'd be beaming quite literally with pride, but for some reason the look on his face spoke of shock and _fear?_

"No, Tenten," he heard the man scarcely say from his trapped position on the ground. "Not you too, child."

"Eh?" she replied, stepping back a bit and releasing the trap's chakra strings.

"I know, I understand. I should have prepared for this. I mean it's only natural and given whom I am…"

Tenten looked over her shoulder, giving her best _what the hell_ look to her comrade. Neji could only equal her in confusion.

"But you can't. Do you understand? We can't, and I'm sorry."

And now Gai was crying while embracing her in a heartfelt hug...

"Uh, sensei?" the girl tried tentatively, pulling back awkwardly from his embrace.

"Oh Tenten," he cried, taking her by the shoulders and giving her what Neji figured was supposed to be a deep and meaningful look, but the boy was inclined to liken it to a silent plea for medical help. "I know this must be hard for you but you'll move on, I know it. It'll be alright."

It then it dawned on him. Tenten once again nervously looked over her shoulder, now starting to seriously fear for her sensei's mental health, only to see Neji's face twisting in horror.

"Well, I think that's enough for today." The girl turned back at the sound of his voice. "Let Neji know, and Tenten," Gai paused until she gave a slightly scared smile before once again, hugging her tight. "I love you like the daughter I never had. Never forget that."

Tenten's mouth dropped as she stood there rigidly. Their sensei then disappeared in puff of smoke and an instant later, Neji was by her side.

"Neji," the girl said with an odd calm about her. "I think Gai sensei's finally lost it."

"I think he lost it long before _we_ ever came into the picture," Neji replied, still looking on with disgust.

"What if my trap broke him?" she considered with a slight frown. "I haven't really tested it before."

The boy raised an eyebrow. "You actually didn't catch on to what he was getting at?"

"No… Why? What is it?"

Neji leaned in to whisper in her ear.

Tenten's mouth gaped for a second before she screamed, "He thinks I_ what?!"_

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_In the village_

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Asuma chuckled, watching Ino and Sakura converse as they entered the floral shop without noticing him. First Kakashi and then Gai… though he still had his suspicions about the second one. _Well_, he thought smugly to himself, _with Ino on his team, it was nothing he would ever have to worry about_. Even if she did give up on her long time crush, the girl was completely disposed towards the _pretty boys_, as he liked to think of them. He was glad to say that he would never-

"So he started babbling at me about who knows what kind of nonsense, and he brings up my undying love for Sasuke, as he puts it and, well it was just weird."

Ino listened to her friend sympathetically. "Mmm, well Kakashi sensei always was a bit strange. Personally I think I lucked out with mine." Asuma couldn't help the smirk a little. "Anyways, I'm glad I got over crush with Sasuke."

"You did?" Sakura asked incredulously.

"Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking." The girl sighed. "Why go for a boy when you can have a man."

Asuma froze.

"Oh, really? And what brought this on all of a sudden?"

"I don't know," Ino smirked. "Guess I just discovered my type."

"And that would be?" Sakura continued to prompt.

"I think I like the rugged type," the girl confessed. "You know, broad shoulders, laidback attitude, scruffy facial hair-" Asuma's heart was suddenly pounding in his ears. "And a particular item placed between those sexy, sexy lips. I just can't help but love a rebel."

Sakura giggled just as a blur of somebody suddenly pushed passed her and out the door. "Hey, was that Asuma sensei?"

Ino laughed. "I'm pretty sure it was. Didn't even realise he was in here, and now we've probably scared him for life with our girl talk. Poor guy."

Sakura just shook her head in mirth. "Ah well. So anyways, you really think Genma looks good with that goatee?"

"Sakura," Ino began. "That man could even make that awful beard Asuma has, look good." She sighed, lost in thought for a moment and then seemed to remember she wasn't alone. "So still no idea what Naruto did to Kakashi?"

Sakura shrugged. "All he says is 'caused a distraction.' Whatever that means."

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_On the other side of the village._

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Shino let out a frustrated breath as Kiba paused to straighten his pants for what had to be the fifteenth time.

"Hey, don't look at me like that," Kiba barked at the stoically standing boy. "These new pants just don't fit right."

"They would fit right if you just took it out," Shino replied crisply, causing Kiba's mouth to drop. "Why? Because Hinata has the Byakugan and I doubt she's impressed by a roll of socks. Or did you forget that point?"

Kiba's mouth snapped shut and his face turned instantly red.

_Idiot_, was the only thought that came to mind for the Aburame as his teammate hastily turned while sticking a hand down his pants.

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_Back in the bar_.

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"Another round for you fellows?" the bartender asked.

The three men nodded silently, none of them daring to leave the one place their underage students couldn't follow. Kurenai just smirked at the trio. Still got it, she thought smugly, adding a little extra sway to her hips as she wandered out to meet up with team eight.


	3. KakaTen, Kakashi Gains a Point

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A/N: Never trust my profile... Ok, written in an hour for the TentenFC on NF. Kaka/Ten I love the quote when Tenten says, "Gai sensei completely losses to him in looks" during the Chunin exams. It gives me more to go on than most crack shippers :D

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Kakashi Gains a Point

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It had been a long mission. A long mission with no sign of a shower, lake, or any form of proper hygiene facilities in sight. Sure he was used to such things, but it wasn't like he particularly enjoyed smelling so bad that even his own summons asked him to stand down wind when he called them. So it was only natural that the first thing the Copy Ninja did once entering his small apartment, was head straight for the washroom and the promise of a hot hot shower, with lots of unscented, environmentally friendly, soap products.

Actually just heading to the washroom wasn't enough. His clothes were stiff with dried sweat and with every step, the feeling rough fabric brushing his skin made him inwardly cringe. So as soon as he closed the window behind him, Kakashi began to strip out of every piece of offending clothing, creating a trail all the way from his living space to the washroom door, kicking off the last sock as he backed in.

As soon as his body entered the small room, his distracted shinobi senses suddenly went into over gear.

He was not alone.

Spinning on foot, Kakashi ripped back the shower curtains, catching the intruder by surprise, and pinned the person to the wall in one fluid motion.

Tenten was just able to let out an _'eep'_ of surprise before her arms were wrenched behind her and her face pushed painfully into the wall.

It was just her luck. All she was supposed to do was drop off a message for the Jounin, but he was late so she stuck around to wait for him. Of course having drunk a large vanilla smoothy just before arriving had sentenced her fate and the girl heard another enter the apartment just as she'd finished relieving herself. She'd intended to announce her presence at once, but when she'd stuck her head out into the hallway, Tenten was met with the unexpected sight of Kakashi Hatake's very naked backside.

Too shocked to say anything, the girl jumped back, hiding her self in the shower and hoping he would change quickly while she tried to come up with a way to explain herself.

"Tenten?" she heard his voice say as the grip on her arms and neck was released and she was allowed to face the man.

Slack jawed, the girl tried to remember why she was there while her eyes drifted over every inch of his perfectly sculpted body, lingering around his navel and following the small trail of hairs down...

"What on earth are you doing, hiding in my washroom?" he asked, turning to grab a towel. He then secured it around his waist, without the faintest blush.

"Oh," Tenten replied, shaking her head out its daze. "Gai sensei sent me. He's got a new challenge..."

"And?" Kakashi prompted seeing the girl had lost her train of thought.

"Huh?"

Kakashi rolled his eye, realizing that on top of just seeing a grown man naked, the girl had never seen his face before and was likely still in shock he hadn't immediately dashed to hide it. "Alright Tenten, you might as well get in your eyeful, since this is not likely to happen again."

Her brow pinched. "But you already covered up."

A brief moment of confusion crossed Kakashi's face before his eyes widened.

"Oh," the girl suddenly realized. "You meant your face."

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"So Tenten, what did my rival have to say to my challenge?"

Tenten blinked. "You need to add another point to his column."

"But did-"

"Just trust me on this," the girl said with a grin. "He gets the point."

Gai frowned, unsure what to make of that but he supposed he could just ask Kakashi once he tracked him down.

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	4. KakaYamaTen, Bubble Gum

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A/N: I, I just :facepalm I have no words. Yeah that _"and all things that have absolutely no business masquerading as literature"_ in the description, that refers to this.

Written once more for the Kaka/Ten fanclub, whom I'm starting to suspect is becoming a bad influence on me. I asked for a prompt and what they gave me was:_ Balls._

Yeah, you don't tell a pervy fangirl that and then expect highbrow comedy.

Summary: Tenzou over hears Kakashi and Tenten.

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**Bubble Gum**

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_._

"_Will you quit it? I swear to god, if you get it in my eye again…_"

Tenzou paused as he stood just outside the weapons locker.

"_Well you can't blame me, you've got duel handles,_" he heard Kakashi's voice drift out.

_Ok,_ he thought feeling suddenly embarrassed by where his thoughts had so quickly jumped to. _They were just talking gear, whoever it was in there with his senpei. _

"_You do know I've got you in a position where I could seriously hurt you?_"

"_Ma, but Tenten, then neither of us will be having any fun._"

Tenzou smiled as he raised his hand towards the door handle. So they were just doing a little light sparring. The room did have a large cleared area in the center so that you could get a bit of a feel for the weapon.

"_Please, I've still got my right hand._"

"_You're cruel_."

"_Mmm, cruel and on my knees_."

Tenzou paused, once again feeling his face flush red. Well, that could still mean they were just sparring and… and that groan was just his senpei receiving a blow…

The ANBU captain found himself at a loss. Should he knock? Should he just come back later? But then the curiosity would kill him. _He had to know._

"_You should put them in your mouth_."

Or maybe he should wait another minute.

"_Er… you know that's not really my thing_."

"_Weren't you ever taught that you should always try everything once?_"

"_Fine, fine. But I can't believe you're pulling that_."

No, he really didn't want to hear anymore of _this. _

Stealing up his nerve, Tenzou loudly rapped his knuckles against the door. Almost instantaneously there was the sound of something crashing and quick whispers, though he couldn't make out the words. A few seconds later, the door swung open to reveal a brown haired girl he knew only as Tenten and just a few feet back, stood Kakashi Hatake with his eye in a crease and seeming to be favoring his right foot.

"Hi," the girl said, grinning widely while chewing a stick of gum. "Sorry if we disturbed you. You know how random, spontaneous spars go."

Tenzou looked over to his senpei who seemed content to remain silent. "In the weapons locker?"

The girl nodded. "I'm a weapons mistress, so you can understand how I could get a little over excited."

"Heh, yeah," Tenzou replied, shifting awkwardly and again looking to Kakashi.

"You ever tried Mizu blowing gum?"

He turned back to the girl as she continued to chew. "Uh-"

"It's actually really good. Kakashi was just making me try a couple of the gum balls-"

"I didn't make you," Kakashi finally spoke up. "I just happened to like them and I thought maybe you would too."

"Well they're not that bad," Tenten replied with a slight frown. "But you can't blame me for being skeptical. I mean how much can you trust a guy in a mask for this sort of thing?" And as if to emphasize her point, Tenten blew a large bubble, only for it to snap back in her face. "How much experience could you have?"

"Actually, you'd be surprised."

Tenten raised an eyebrow.

"So you guys are done in here then?" Tenzou interrupted, hoping to steer the conversation back to something that actually made sense. "I just need to grab some things."

"Oh, yeah," Tenten said, stepping out of his way. "No problem."

Kakashi continued to smile as he too walked out of the room. "Ma, I need to be getting back to my apartment anyways. Mr. Ukki is due for his shower."

Tenten snickered. "Yeah, I need to be getting off too. I wonder what time it is…"

"It's a quarter to four," Tenzou answered for her and then went to enter the room, only to be stopped as the girl blocked his path. Both Kakashi and Tenzou stared at her.

"You know," she said, sparing a quick glance to Kakashi. "I'm sure if you asked really nicely, Kakashi would let me split a piece of his gum with you."

"Uh, I'm good, thank you," the ANBU replied, finding this girl stranger and stranger. Kakashi was looking between the two but smiled when Tenzou caught his eye.

Tenten shrugged, letting him pass before trailing after Kakashi down the hall.

Tenzou looked back at the two as they exited the hallway together, wondering what had just happened. Deciding it was probably for the best that he didn't know, he looked down to see a tiny wrapper on the floor, and then it hit him-

_Mizu blowing gum only comes in stick form._

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A/N: And before you ask, the answer is_ yes _

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	5. Team Minato, Mutual Understanding

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Summary: What young Kakashi's real reaction would be to meeting his older self.

A/N: So if you spend even a fraction of the amount of time reading fanfic that I do, chances are you've come across more than a few time travel fics, so instead of giving a premise, I'm sure you can easily come up with one, or many, or just hope over to the shifting time community and pick one to preset this fic. :D

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**Mutual Understanding**

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"Actually you kids weren't even supposed to see me." Kakashi's eye crinkled as the young and still fully alive members of Team Minato gawked up at him. "Something about possibly ripping a hole in the space time continuum and thus destroying all existance."

Young Kakashi stepped forward, making an attempt to poke his older self. His eyes were narrowed, obviously disbelieving what all his senses were telling him was true.

The man easily sidestepped, avoiding the touch. "You don't even want to know what happens if two persons embodying the same time period make physical contact," Kakashi explained, just as Obito took the moment to do what his teammate failed to and poke his arm. He cocked his head to the side as though expecting the man to disappear into a puff of smoke at contact and then being perplex when it didn't occure.

Young Kakashi's mouth opened but before he could speak, his older counter part cut him off. "Anyways, I need to be going now. Got to save the village, change the future, right all wrongs, and kills some bad guys. You kids should probably run along."

He glanced down to Rin, her blush could put Hinata to shame as she continued to stare back unabashed. And though he wasn't sure, he would swear she just shifted her step a little so she could continue her appraisal with the back end view.

"But wouldn't that create a time paradox?" Obito asked, now frowning. "I mean if you're here now, does that mean that this has already happened, and if it hasn't than how is it possible for this to happen now, and if this is the first time then how could a loop be created from nothing if time is cylindrical, and if it isn't and there's just an infinite amount of parallel universes than coming here wont actually help your time period because we're on a different line than yours. So really you'd just be causing a break in the time stream, and now there are two cylindrical spirals each and – oh wow, you just found a way to double infinity."

All three of his teammates, two of which being the same person, stared. Rin was the first to speak, rubbing two fingers against her temple. "Owe, Obito. That just made my head hurt."

While young Kakashi was reevaluating his current perception of Obito's intellect to include the ability to use such words as paradox and cylindrical.

"Right… well, toodles." Kakashi was about to shunshin away when the sudden kunai embedded in the tree just beside his head yet close enough for a few silver hairs to fall, caused him to pause. Kakashi scowled, looking at the seemingly missed kunai and then back to his younger self who was now wearing a self satisfied smirk.

"_Now_ you may go," young Kakashi said. Kakashi's eye widened, looking between the kunai and the boy before creasing his eye into a smirk of his own.

"Ah," was all he said and a hand seal later, he was gone.

"Kakashi, why did you do that?" Rin asked, obviously shocked that he would attack his older self.

"Yeah, and you missed too," Obito cried, grinning ear to ear. "Even I could have hit him. He didn't even move."

"Did I?" young Kakashi returned, raising a single eyebrow.

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Later that night, young Kakashi returned to his small, one room apartment, striding in and tossing his headband and waist pouch to the side in an uncharacteristic display of messiness. Without even glancing to the small puppy trailing after him the moment he opened the door and wagging its tail, Kakashi went straight to the far wall and turned while withdrawing a kunai. Taking care to aim carefully, the boy threw it, causing it to lodge itself approximately 181 cm up the wall just beside his washroom.

The young pug tilted his head to the side, watching curiously as Kakashi walked over to admire his handy work. He then saw the boy scratch something in pencil just beside the kunai before pulling it from its place, making a few marks further down where there were already some markings.

Pakkun stepped closer. He hadn't quite mastered reading yet but he could recognize his master's name beside one of the markings, and that boy, _Obito_, next to another.

"What are you doing?" he finally asked as Kakashi stood back, grinning in a very unKakashi manner.

"My future self paid us a visit today," the boy replied without a glance.

Still a puppy and still not recognizing the absurdity of that statement, Pukkun made the only obvious reply. "So?"

"_So_," Kakashi said, finally looking down at the pup with eyes lit up in glee. His grin widened. "_I'm tall_."

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A/N: Surely I'm not the only person who immediately thought this when ever reading a time travel fic involving young and old Kakashi? I can only imagine how irked he must have been to be shorter than Obito. And yes, old Kakashi did catch on to what his younger self was doing.

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	6. KakaHina, Inspiration

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Summary: _She's seen him before, but was he who he claimed? His eyes met hers and her breath hitched. Could she resist?_ We're not the only ones who like to do it. AU? OOC? FP?

Kaka/Hina

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**Inspiration**

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"I'm sorry, Hun," Scarlett said, looking on sympathetically. "But I simply need those done by tomorrow, I know he's late but I'm sure he'll be here to fix it any minute now. Can you please just wait a bit longer?"

I shifted my eyes down, not wanting her to catch my disappointment. I was just the new intern after all; of course I'd be stuck waiting for the stupid repairman so that I could finish Scarlett's stupid busy work. And of course he just _had_ to be late. "It's no problem. I can wait."

She smiled, collecting her belongings together. It wasn't like I had somewhere to be, and she had her boyfriend waiting for her. He was a nice man, so I was happy for her, even if he did stink of cigarettes all the time, but the real nuisance was that since she'd found her newfound love, the woman now seemed obsessed with seeing that I'd get one too. I wouldn't mind, if only it didn't mean the fact that I was constantly reminded of how I was alone, always alone and always too shy to approach new people. It made me feel like shit.

"That's a good girl. I knew I could count on you, and once-"

"Excuse me, but which one of you ladies called for a handyman?"

I looked up, hearing who could only be the repairman, finally enter. Grey hair, a bandana covering his mouth and a strip of fabric over one eye. My mouth dropped. It was _him_.

"You're late," I heard Scarlett say.

"Sorry, but there was a bit of an altercation on floor seven. You wouldn't believe the paper jam Cherry managed to create."

A sigh. "Interns…"

"And then I just missed the elevator-"

"Takashi, we're only one floor up."

He shrugged, not looking particularly concerned. "So what seems to be the problem?"

"Look, I'm already running late thanks to you, so I'll just have let my intern explain it." I paled, seeing her motion to me. _Oh god, was she doing this on purpose?_ "Hun, be sure to lock up once you leave."

Slowly I nodded my head, feeling the man's visible eye weigh heavily on me. And then with a wink, she left, leaving the two of us alone. "Um, yes. It's uh, right this way sir."

I turned to lead him to the supply room but as I went, I heard a soft chuckle behind me. "Please, just Kashi's fine, miss. Sir makes me feel old."

I bit my tongue, not wanting to insult him by suggesting anything otherwise. Maybe he wasn't old, but he certainly wasn't my age either. "Um, alright si- I mean ah, Ka- Kashi."

The blush on my face could probably heat the room.

He smiled. "So where is this beast of a contraption that needs my skilled hands?"

_Dear lord, did he just wink at me?_

"Um, right here." I motioned to the photocopier that my boss had somehow managed to destroy within the last half hour of the work day and then proceeded to tell me I couldn't leave till the pamphlets for tomorrows meeting were done.

"Don't look so down. I'm sure it'll only take me a minute to figure out and then the two of us can be out of here for the day."

I gave him a weak half smile. "You sure? It seems pretty… well, dead."

He scoffed. "Nonsense. Besides, they don't call me the copy ninja for nothing."

I would've laughed if he hadn't sounded so serious about it. Instead I just stared.

"You don't believe me? Here." The man's hands quickly flicked out a card from one of his pockets and handed it to me.

'_Copy Ninja Takashi, for all your photocopying needs._' I raised an incredulous eyebrow.

"What?"

"This isn't a real business card," I stated, not sure what else to say.

"Sure it is."

"It's written on paper."

"The printers were out of card grade," he shrugged.

"In pencil."

"It adds a certain old fashion character, I feel."

I flipped the "card" over. "On the back of one of last week's memos?"

"So maybe I'm a bit new," he defended, not looking particularly concerned.

It was all I could do to keep myself from laughing. "You're not _that_ new. I saw you at the last company retreat, talking with the bigwigs." His head turned sharply to me and I snapped my mouth shut. Feeling my face turn red once more, I quickly tried to change the subject. "And, and b-besides, I've never seen you fixing things on this floor, um, before."

"Your floor's bad for viruses. That's the bug guy, not me. I do copiers… and the occasional fax machine," he added as an afterthought. Takashi then turned back to the machine, a slight frown on his face.

I got the impression that I'd somehow said something I shouldn't have. Did he not want me to know that? He probably didn't know who I was after all. I may have been _just_ an intern, but my father was also _just_ one of the company's major shareholders. I had been introduced to quite a few of the higher-ups in the past, but as my father wanted me to learn a proper work ethic and set me up here, he also made sure to keep my background quiet so I wouldn't receive any preferential treatment. So far I thought, looking again to the clock, his plan was succeeding.

The tension in the air was suddenly thick and I knew I had to say something. I stood back and began to shift through some of the papers covering the side counter. "So, um… what's with the bandana?"

I turned just in time to see him give the machine a hard whack. _What the hell was he doing?_

"Oh, this?" he jerked his head and then hit the machine once more. "It's just for protection." Another whack. "I've had a few close calls in this line of work." And a kick.

I couldn't believe it; he was going to completely destroy the machine at this rate!

He kicked it again.

"What are you doing? Stop that!"

"Hmm? Oh, sometimes you just have to get rough with them."

My mouth dropped as he grabbed the thing with both hands and began shaking it. How was I going to explain this to Scarlett? How would I tell her that the reason her papers weren't ready was because the handyman just happened to be insane?

He pulled down his mask and took off his jacket. "You got any water? It's getting hot in here."

And all I could do was stare. It was just like I remembered, smooth featured with a certain boyishness that made his age hard to place, yet he was by no means feminine. There was definitely an alpha male quality that just drew you in, and without the jacket…

Unconsciously my tongue ran over my lips.

"Uh, miss?"

_Oh god!_ _I was just staring and he caught me._ A small squeak escaped those same lips and I quickly turned. "Uh, yes. Just let me go grab you something."

I swore I heard him chuckle as I scurried away.

When I returned, he had the side of the machine opened and was poking at some wires. The fabric across his other eye was gone too.

"Um, I – I brought you a bottled water, sir."

"Kashi," he corrected, not turning.

"Kashi, right. Uh." I paused as he continued to-_ do_ what ever it was he was doing. "Is, is there anything I can do to help?"

"fraid not," he answered, sitting back at on the floor and holding his hand out for the bottle. I gave it to him and watched, almost transfixed as he downed the cool liquid. A small drop slipped from his lips and ran it's way over his smooth skin. My throat constricted, watching his Adam's apple dip with every gulp. "Go ahead. Ask."

"Huh?" I said, realising I'd been staring again.

"You want to know about the eye, don't you?"

I bit my lip, feeling my curiosity peek yet knowing it would be rude to do such a thing. My focused was respectfully elsewhere, after all.

As though sensing my unease, he continued on. "Printing accident when I was just starting out in the business. I've got permanent pink eye now and am sensitive to bright lights."

"Oh," I said, not sure if I should offer my condolences or not.

"My co worker tried to save me, but… it turned out badly. He ended up being fired for what was basically my fault. And then, due to ridiculous insurance purposes, the girl who tried first aid before the paramedics arrived was transferred away. I heard later they fired her for some bogus rumors. Truth is they were just freaked I'd come back and sue, so they got rid of the liability." His hand clenched. "I could kill those bastards."

"I- I'm sorry," I said, taking a seat beside him.

He gave me a half smile. "It was Rockhead Quarries Corp.

I gasped. "That, that's…" He nodded, knowing I'd caught on. Destroying Rockhead Corp. was Leaf Environmental Industries biggest objective. Those bastards were going to pay for their crimes against the environment.

"I was an asshole back then. Thought I knew it all when it came to the business game. It's good to see young upcommer's like you, picking the right side from the beginning. I've dedicated my life since, to defending the Leaf."

"By fixing photocopiers," I added wryly.

"By fixing photocopiers," he agreed with a laugh. "Shall we get back to it?"

I nodded my head and then raised myself back up from the floor.

"Oh ho now, what's this?"

He was holding a paper in hand and instantly I knew what it was. Of all the-

"Damn, you look good." My face flushed and I turned my eyes to the ground. "What are you doing, working here when you've got a modeling career waiting for you?"

"It- it's not like that," I said, still not looking but feeling a slight smile pull at my lips.

"Not like that? Look at you."

I flicked my eyes up to see the picture he was holding. It was me wearing a yukata in the company colours, looking up at a cherry blossom tree. It was to be on the cover of the package for tomorrows meeting, and if approved, part of the new spring adds campaign. I only did it because the model came down with a sudden canine allergy attack and I just happened to be the same size and colouring.

"I- I was just filling in. They'll likely redo it with a proper model after the meeting."

He snorted. "Not if I have something to say about it."

Again I blushed. He was such an odd man. During the retreat, I remember catching glimpse of him here and there. It was almost as if he was following me, but his nose was always stuck in a book, each time a different classic. I figured he must be a true intellectual till I pointed him out to my boss, Scarlett and she laughed. She was surprised I didn't know him, apparently he's quite infamous around the building, and said that he's just here to _fix _things.

"And I'm sure _the Copy Ninja's_ word carries a lot of weight when it comes these things," I laughed, turning away to hide my embarrassment. I wasn't sure, but I was starting to get the impression he was flirting with me.

"You're very beautiful, you know."

My whole body went still and suddenly I found it hard to breath.

"There's something I've been meaning to ask you."

My breath caught.

"May I kiss you?"

I looked over my shoulder to see him standing directly behind me, his eyes suddenly dark. Slowly I nodded my head, not really thinking but feeling that incredibly pull he just seemed to have. He didn't give me time to turn; he just pulled my body against his hard chest. One arm wrapped around my waist while his free hand brushed against my cheek, turning my head back to him.

Our lips met and it was as though a fire were ignited within me. Without hesitation my mouth opened to his and his hand slipped beneath my blouse. I sighed, reveling in his heat pressed so firmly against me. My eyes lifted to his and he gazed hungrily back. With eyes like that, I should have know a kiss would not be just a kiss and the next thing I knew, our bodies were intertwined and he had me hoisted up on top of the photocopier.

…

Kakashi paused in his reading to look up at the red faced girl standing across from him. "So what part are you at?"

Hinata lowered the manuscript but was not able to meet his eyes. "M-my shirt was torn and I looked away shyly as Takashi t-took in the sight of my milky w-white breasts…"

"Mm," Kakashi answered. "Wait till you get to the part about throbbing love staffs and blissful passages."

Hinata's eyes finally met his while she dropped her arms to her side. "Kakashi-sensei," she began in a contemplative voice. His head inclined. "You're a really powerful shinobi, right?"

"Relatively so, yes," he answered conversationally.

"A-and I'm not too bad my self these days."

Kakashi nodded. "No, you've improved quite a bit, I'd say."

"Sensei?"

"Mm?"

"Can we kill Jiraiya-sama?"

Kakashi paused to look down at the latest Icha Icha manuscript held in both their hand and then met her eyes, his creasing into a bright smile. "Let's."

The girl returned his smile and held out her hand to his.

"But then we really should try page seventy four."

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_A/N: So I've been doing some winter spring cleaning. Basically clearing out stories that've been sitting half done on my computer because I'm too lazy to get around to doing a real update. Anyways this one is from spring and was supposed to be from a much much longer fic that I knew would never actually be done. It was basically a fic within a fic with in a plot with in a plot, and was just purposely ridiculously convoluted and ended with Mandara sitting there going "Just as planned. Mwahahahaha..." _

_ Obviously that didn't happen. But I think, or at least hope, it works on its own. It's was started as an anit fic, and meant to be of the so bad it's good variety... but I just couldn't bring myself to write that purple prose love scene. _

_I tried._

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"But then we really should try page seventy four."

Hinata shrugged, only glancing at him as they made their way down the hall. "Fine, but you're wearing the maids outfit."

"... That's a sacrifice I'm willing to make if it means I get to-" Kakashi looked down to the paper in hand. "Sheath my member into your quivering mound so as to milk the nectar of your most precious flower from now until the sun rises in the east, bringing upon it's wing the promise of new tomorrow while I rest my head upon your still heaving bosom, sated at last."

Hinata paused in her steps. "No-" she said and then after a long moment of thought, "That sounds about right."

He tried not to, but you couldn't hide that little extra skip from a Hyuuga and Hinata smiled.


	7. KotetsuTeam8, Professional Misconduct

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Summary: The chunin exams are back and Tsunade wants to know why both Izumo and Kotetsu and a black mark beside their names.

A/N: So I've had this idea for a while now and it's just one of those things that when you really think about it... well, anyways takes place during the chunin exams.

Kotetsu/Team Eight

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**Professional Misconduct**

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"So tell me Kotetsu, the chunin exams are being held in the village this year yet when I look at the Sandaime's notes, the two of you have marks beside your names saying that your are banned from helping out." Tsunade leaned forward, resting her head upon her clasped hands while taking in the two chunin shifting uncomfortably before her. "Care to explain?"

"Uh yeah, about that," Kotetsu began, smiling awkwardly and rubbing the back of his head. "Well, you see…"

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Two years prior…

"Mmm, have you two tried any of this home made syrup?" Anko asked the two men while sucking on a stick and carrying a jar under her arm. They were all sitting around bored, in the tower for the second part of the chunin exam, waiting for the teams to return. "The stuff's great. Here, try some."

Anko tossed the jar high towards them before walking off without looking where it fell. Kotetsu sprang up at the same time Izumo did, both reaching out to grab it, only to collide with one another and leaving the jar to smash on the ground, spraying the sweet, sticky syrup everywhere.

The two swore, surveying the damage and picking at their now ruined clothes.

"Shower?" Izumo asked.

"Yeah," Kotetsu sighed. "This stuff is going to ruin my hair."

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Team eight had just arrived at the tower. Being a tracking team, the task had been incredibly easy for the young ninja and now the three stood with their two scrolls, grinning from ear to ear. Well, Kiba grinned, Hinata smiled, and Shino smirked.

"So now what?" Kiba asked, looking up at the message on the wall and then back to scrolls in Hinata's hand.

"I- I think we're supposed to open them," Hinata said with a small frown. Shino nodded and took one from her hand.

Together they opened the scrolls, tossing them to the ground once the summoning jutsu activated.

"So I told her, you call this mauve? It's clearly fusha..?" Kotetsu stopped speaking as cold air suddenly met his wet naked skin. A few things came to him in that moment, one; the water had stopped, two; this was clearly not the showers, and three; there was a young girl letting out a small, high pitched scream.

"Hey, what the hell is this!" A boy yelled from behind him.

Kotetsu turned around just in time to see the young girl pass out in her teammate's arms while another boy with a puppy growled at him.

_Shit. Okay, so clearly this was unexpected,_ he thought looking at the boys who seemed ready to spring on him at any moment. Now, how to smooth this over?

He smiled, it was time to play it cool.

"Oh hey guys," Kotetsu said, tossing his wet hair back. The girl had already passed out from seeing his god like manly physique, so being in front of the guys didn't really matter he supposed. "Congratulations, you've passed the second part of the chunin exam! It's a chunin's job to welcome the passing genin to the next part of the test."

Kiba's mouth dropped while Akumaru whimpered.

"When I am chunin I will not participate in such activities," Shino said calmly, still holding the unconscious Hinata in his arms. "Why? Because I am not a pervert."

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Tsunade felt a vain throb in her head as she listened to the story. She then turned the Izumo, raising one eyebrow. "And you?" she asked, almost afraid to hear.

The man shuddered. "I'd rather not say, but it involves a bucket of water, purple dye, and a particularly expensive feather duster."

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A/N: Ok, the second part of the test takes place over how many days, and those chunin can be summoned at anytime? Come on, that's just asking for unexpected inappropriate situation to pop up.

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	8. KakashiTsume, A True Friend

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Summary: It's the wedding of the decade, so it must be perfect. But in a battle worn Konoha, where is left to hold it? Out of options, Kakashi decides to throw all in for the sake of his best friend's wedding. Kakashi/Tsume

A/N: I have a quest to pair Kakashi with any and everyone I possibly can. This fic was born of that particular challenge. Takes place sometime after the war while Konoha is still under reconstruction.

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**A True Friend**

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The bar was unusually busy for being the middle of the afternoon. In the back, huddled in a dark corner, sat a large group of Jounin, Special Jounin, and even one Chunin discussing plans in hushed voices. An air of secrecy permeated the entire group and voices would quiet when a patron would pass near. Eyes flick to each other, secret knowing glances, and then the conversation would start again.

Anko held point, a stack of notes in her hand while the end of a well chewed ballpoint pen hung from her mouth. "Okay, now that's out of the way. How are we making out with the location issue."

"Not good," Aoba replied with a frown. "The one thing Shizune wants most, is an out door wedding, and it's proving more than difficult to find an area large enough." The man shook his head. "Half the population is going to turn out to see Might Gai getting married, most just to get a chance to party before the impending apocalypse."

"Training fields?" Genma put in.

"Out. Tsunade says it'll set a nightmare of a precedent and there's a risk to civilians," Ibiki answered.

Genma raised an eyebrow. "Will there be any civilians?"

"Eh, I think Gai has a cousin in tailoring that refuses to acknowledge the relation," Anko replied, now twirling the mangled pen between her fingers. "Okay, so training fields are out. What clans still have land that wasn't destroyed?"

This time it was Kurenai that spoke up. "Well the Hyuga, but their's is all gardens, so while it's great for pictures, not so much for a large crowd. Plus, they'd probably require a dress code."

"Not happening," both Anko and Kakashi injected at the same time. They glanced across to each other and then back to their respective tasks; Anko with her pen, and Kakashi reading his book.

"There's the Nara," Raidou offered.

"With their deer?" Kurenai laughed. "No way will they let us disturb their woods. And the Akimichi are out cause it's all rock anyways."

"How about the Inuzuka? They've got a good sized plot." Ebisu's brow pinched when everyone started at him as though he'd grown a second head. "What?"

"No, no it's brilliant, if only..." Genma trailed off.

"Only what?" Sakura asked, feeling put out being the youngest and missing these pieces of shared history.

"Well..." Kurenai cringed.

"Tsume won't let Gai set foot on her land. Apparently he traumatized one of her pups years back and still holds the grudge," Genma finished in a dejected voice. The area was perfect. Out of the way, large clear space, shinobi neighbours, and only a moderate sized clan.

"What? How did that happen?" The pink haired girl sat there curiously.

"Blame Kakashi," laughed Anko, jabbing the pen in his direction.

"It's hardly my fault," responded the man in question from behind his book.

"Back before he got the Turtle contract, he saw Kakashi with his ninkin and decided he could do it better," Genma explained with a smirk.

"I think I can see where this is going."

"So Gai approaches Tsume about it, and she, being unfamiliar with him, decides to let him puppy sit for a bit to see how he fairs. As you can imagine, things did not end well and now Tsume threatens severe bodily harm if he comes anywhere near her pack's land."

Many chuckled at Genma's abbreviated explanation while Kakashi just turned a page.

"Do we got anything else?" Aoba sighed.

"No, those were our options," Ibiki answered.

"God damn it," Anko suddenly cried while slaming a palm down on the table, causing halve of them to jump. "We need to do something. I mean, how many of us thought we'd live to see the day _Might Gai_ gets married? ...to a woman!"

"Well is there anything we have to convince Tsume?" Kurenai asked. "I mean how long has it been? And it's not like he'll be actually around the dogs."

"Trust me, she's not going to budge on this," Genma told her.

"But is there something we could pay her?" Ebisu wondered aloud. "Or any favours we can call in? A deal we could strike..."

Raidou turned in his chair. "What about you, Kakashi?"

"Hmm?" The Jounin's eyes lifted from the page.

"You train ninkin, perhaps you could offer your services?"

Kakashi's eyebrow rose. "I don't think the _Inuzuka_ would have anything to learn from me."

"Ugh, this is so frustrating," Anko groaned. "I can't let Shizune down, she's so excited these days. And Gai has single handedly proven that absolutely anything is possible. I mean, how far would he go if any of us needed something for our 'most youthful and joyous of days'?"

"It's true," Genma said with a frown.

They all sat silently, brooding over the unfortunate turn of events

"You know," Kakashi began after a long moment, dipping his book just slightly. "There may just be something..." All heads turned to him. "Let me talk to Tsume and I'll get back to you."

"Really?" Kurenai perked up.

"Mmm."

And that settled that.

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A day later found Kakashi Hatake standing across from a very irate Tsume on the porch of the Inuzuka homestead, with his tell tale eye crease smile firmly in place.

"What do you want Hatake?" The woman had her arms crossed over her chest while she and Kuromaru blocked the entrance to her home.

Kakashi continued to smile. "Is that any way to greet someone coming over for a friendly chitchat?"

The woman snorted. "Can the crap. I know exactly why you're here and the answer is still no. Your friend is just going to have to suck it up and have his wedding elsewhere."

"That's harsh," the man said with a pout. "Can I at least come in? I really think we could discuss this."

Tsume rolled her eyes before turning to storm back into her home. "Fine but I'm not changing my mind. I don't care what you have to say."

"Well, I can be very persuasive," Kakashi began and heard another snort. He followed him into a kitchen where she sat in one of the few chairs. Kakashi remained standing and instead leaned against the opposite counter. "This is for Shizune too, you know. The woman's done quite a lot to help in running this village, not to mention healed a good portion of it's population. Don't you think -"

"No Hatake, I don't," Tsume cut in. "Anything else?"

"Yes. May I have a glass of water?"

Tsume's eyes widened at the random request but then waved dismissively towards the cabinet which held the cups. Kakashi took a glass proceeded to fill it from the sink. He then pulled down his mask and tilted his head back as he gulped down the cool liquid. Tsume couldn't help but stare as a single drop escaped and rolled down his chin and half bare neck.

"Thank you," he said, giving her his most dazzling smile. He placed the now empty cup on the counter and shrugged off his flack jacket. "It's been rather hot out, hasn't it?"

Tsume's eyes turned to slits. "If you think flashing that pretty face of yours is going to make me change my -"

"I know you've got it hard. Single mom, looking after an entire pack, no real time for yourself..." Kakashi pushed his Hitai-ate off while simultaneously threading his fingers through his silver locks.

"What are you doing?" she flatly asked, feeling her fingers twitch.

Kakashi smiled smugly. "Being persuasive." Her eyebrow rose. "Kids are out, I see," he commented idly while tugging a single glove off. "How long do you think until they're back?"

The woman sucked in a breath, fully comprehending his intent. "Presumptuous brat," she muttered darkly.

He paused on the second glove. "Should I stop?"

Their eyes locked, both much darker than before.

Tsume shifted her gaze down to the canine that lay at her feet, paying them no mind. "Kuromaru, go out front and watch the door. No interruptions." The dog seemed to glance between the two of them, then with a shake of his head, trotted off to the front porch.

"Alright Hatake," Tsume smirked, leaning back comfortably in her chair, while bracing one foot up against a table leg. She gestured before her. "Persuade me."

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"Hey," Kiba nodded towards his mothers partner before grabbing for the door.

"Wait pup, you can't to go in there," the dog growled out, pushing between the boy and the door.

"I can't?" Kiba asked with a frown.

"You're moms busy, doesn't want anyone disturbing her."

"Busy? With what?" Kiba's ears perked at the same time Kuromaru's twitched.

"Negotiations," the dog answered.

"Oh." It was odd but then if it was at the house, it was probably clan business and he really didn't want to be interrupting anything like that.

Kiba's ear twitched again. "That sounds like..." It sounded like a shout, or a cry, or a _fight! _If negotiations went bad... "Mom," Kiba growled, pushing past the dog and storming into the house.

Kuromaru barked. "Wait!"

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"Let me get this straight," Tsunade said through clenched teeth. "The reason Kiba attacked you in the middle of town earlier today, resulting in you having to string him upside down, hanging from a lamp post, was because you _fucked his mom_."

Kakashi stood in blissful indifference before the irate Hokage. His lips were quirked just slightly and his eyes seemed to dance _just so_, in the afternoon light.

"That's rather crude. I personally prefer the term _made love to_," the man confessed shamelessly. The Hokage's eye twitched. "Oh, and you can tell Shizune, she'll have that out door wedding of hers."

Tsunade snorted in an all too familiar manner. "And I suppose you expect to be thanked for your sacrifice?"

Kakashi continued his eye crinkled smile towards her. "Would you _like_ to see the scratch marks?"

For the first time, the Hokage's lips twitched in restrained amusement. "Fine, fine. Shizune will be thrilled." Tsunade waved her hand towards the door. "You are released."

Kakashi bowed and turned.

"Go tell Izumo and Kotetsu to get in here..." she called after him before muttering, "how does one get banned from the chunin exams?

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A/N: *snort* well the idea amused me to know end, I don't know about you guys. Basically i've got this whole canon in my head where a teenaged ANBU Kakashi was plagued with cougar Tsume on the prowl. I can see the two semi bonding over ninkin when poor unsuspecting Kakashi is presented with ready and waiting experienced older woman ready to show him the road to adulthood... yeah, my brain scares me too. That story would be too long, so i came up with this one instead. I can see Kakashi knowing the older woman's kept an eye on him. And we know Kakashi, if anyone's willing to take one for the team...

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